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30 November 2003 @ 01:46 am
So I've been going to fewer and fewer sessions of AOKP recently. Part of that's probably Jen's influence, but part of it is a sense of caring less and less. The fantasy world in there doesn't interest me as much as it did (in fact, the extensive soap opera nature of it often gets on my nerves), and the constant feeling of inadequecy caused by not being able to think as fast on my feet as many of the people there gets to me. Plus, there's quite a bit of politics in the nature of the game which didn't used to perturb me, but recently has been a lot more.

The past few Seasons of AOKP, I've been able to attend the Night of Grand Questing very rarely. The one that happened a couple weeks ago was unique in that I really didn't care that I missed it. Which isn't a reflection on anyone involved, but rather on my interest in this activity.

The social aspects of the group can be great. There's a lot of people in there, some of whom are probably reading this, that I'd really like to be able to hang out with in non-AOKP related situations. (Among other things, you don't really get to know the real people very well when you only encounter them as their characters) But my interst in AOKP itself is very much waning.

I think that can be viewed as sad and as liberating at the same time.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness nature of this post, but that's what happens when you type whatever pops in your head while half asleep...
(Anonymous) on February 6th, 2004 06:10 pm (UTC)
AOKP lost it's hold?
Have you ever considered that maybe the reason that AOKP just doesn't have as much glamour for you anymore is because you aren't actively looking to screw up your current relationship? I believe that the last time you were truely involved with the group was when you had given up on your companion of the time. You had a few little girls in the group who knew this and took advantage of your indecision.
Maybe they know not to mess with Jen this time around. Or, maybe you aren't letting them. Which is a good thing, because it shows that your morals have improoved a bit.
Whatever the case, I don't think that you are getting the ego-boosting thrills there that you used to get. That is why you don't enjoy it anymore.
Idtechnomonkey on February 17th, 2004 03:46 pm (UTC)
I suppose that's one way to look at it.
But I think it's a not-entirely-accurate one. While it's true that I got quite an ego-boost from the attention I got in AOKP, I never actively looked to screw up my relationship - it was already screwed up by the time I got there. AOKP was an outlet for bitching and expressing that in other ways, but it wasn't the seed that caused dissemination - that had long since germinated into a very large weed.

And let's not place blame where it doesn't belong - no one in AOKP took advantage of anybody who didn't want to be taken advantage of. If anything was handled badly between my girlfriend at the time and myself, it was due to either her or me. Or some combination thereof. Outside forces didn't play nearly as active a part in that as you seem to imply.

The other thing is that I hadn't been getting the ego-boosting thrills (as you put it) for quite some time before I started losing interest in AOKP. It's arguable that I may have been waiting for them to come back, but I don't think that's the case.

It's just that AOKP fills a void in your life, and once that void isn't around anymore, you no longer need AOKP. That's why I look at it as a kind of graduation - it's not that my morals have improved to a point that I no longer need AOKP, but rather that my life has.

Which is also a good thing.