Id (technomonkey) wrote,

Krispy Kreme

Krispy Kreme is, as I'm sure I've mentioned, the doughnut of the Gods. When they're sitting around playing blackjack, Zeus will turn to Thor and say "Hey, you want some doughnuts?"

Thor will shoot back "Yeah, but I don't want to get up."

Zeus replies "That's OK. We'll send the kid."


Jesus sighs, because he knows the gist of what's coming. He's been playing errand boy for almost two thousand years.

Jesus has some problems going to the local Krispy Kreme and picking up some doughnuts. See, when he manifests on Earth, he really only has two choices - a newborn child (which would take way too long for him to get the doughnuts back to heaven, and he'd probably get sidetracked from his errand with saving mankind or some bullshit like that), or as an unclean, unshaven homeless man. He's learned over the years that "Hey buddy. I'm Jesus. Can you spare a dollar or two for some Krispy Kreme?" just doesn't work all that well. So he turns to the animal kingdom for help.

Shut up, I know he couldn't talk to the animals when he was around here last time. It's been twenty centuries - he's picked up some new tricks.

Anyway, he turns to the animals. The animals, long since tired of getting shot at, shoo-ed out of stores when they just wanted to make an honest purchase, and similar discouraging actions we take upon them, delegate. The bears talk to the fish. The fish talk to the birds. The birds talk to the household pets. The household pets talk to the gophers. The gophers talk to the ants.

Now, the ants have a vast worldwide network of spies, and their communication is very fast. So when word comes to them that Jesus needs some Krispy Kreme, they leap into action. After all, when Jesus doesn't get what he wants, he tends to wreak havoc and bring down his wrath upon them with his thunderbolt. (They get a bit confused, but give them a break. They're just ants.)

The ants know of a place that there's some day-old Krispy Kreme. It won't be fresh, but they can't really get near the store itself - those are kept heavily guarded against their kind. They wait until the locals are asleep, and spring into action. But ants are small, and their work takes quite some time.

And that's why my kitchen was swarming with ants this morning.

And that's also why I'm afraid for my life, having sprayed my kitchen down with Raid... That can of Raid was spitting in the eyes of Thor and Zeus themselves...
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